"Like a Broken Vessel"

This is a talk that was given by Elder Jeffrey R. Holland during the October 2013 General Conference. It was given while I was in the mission field, and I was very touched by it. Here are a few of my favorite parts, as well as a short video clip of Elder Holland's suggestions of what to do when faced with mental illness in order to cope.

• "However bewildering this all may be, these afflictions are some of the realities of mortal life, and there should be no more shame in acknowledging them than in acknowledging a battle with high blood pressure or the sudden appearance of a malignant tumor."
• Abraham Lincoln, Winston Churchill, and even Elder George Albert Smith, who would later become the prophet and president of The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints, among others struggled with depression.
• "If you are the one afflicted or a caregiver to such, try not to be overwhelmed with the size of your task. Don’t assume you can fix everything, but fix what you can. If those are only small victories, be grateful for them and be patient. Dozens of times in the scriptures, the Lord commands someone to “stand still” or “be still”—and wait. Patiently enduring some things is part of our mortal education."
• "Also let us remember that through any illness or difficult challenge, there is still much in life to be hopeful about and grateful for. We are infinitely more than our limitations or our afflictions!"
• "Trust in God. Hold on in His love. Know that one day the dawn will break brightly and all shadows of mortality will flee. Though we may feel we are “like a broken vessel,” as the Psalmist says, we must remember, that vessel is in the hands of the divine potter. Broken minds can be healed just the way broken bones and broken hearts are healed. While God is at work making those repairs, the rest of us can help by being merciful, nonjudgmental, and kind."
• Some day we will be resurrected and freed!

My Story *UPDATED

Growing up, I was always a stressed, perfectionist student. I wanted to do everything right and I didn't want anyone to disapprove of me. I graduated from high school as valedictorian and continued to get straight A’s in college. I couldn't imagine getting less than an A. My self-worth was measured by how well I accomplished the responsibilities and assignments I was given. I was always trying to use my time effectively to get more done. If I didn't get finish enough items on my to do list each day, I felt terrible about myself. I didn't like how this made me feel, but I figured it was just part of my perfectionist personality.

With the prompting of Heavenly Father, I decided to serve as a full-time missionary. I knew it was going to be hard, but I had no idea what was in store. I don’t know if I would have served if I really knew what was coming my way. Yes there is the physical strain that comes from a demanding missionary schedule, but there is also an emotional strain that can only be understood by going through the experience of being a missionary. Not only was I thousands of miles away from my family, learning to live with people I had never met before, trying to understand and speak a foreign language, and being rejected on a daily basis, I was also “working” for the Lord in a more real way than ever before. Having a perfect “Boss” and trying so hard to please Him made feeling inadequate very easy. Day after day, no matter how hard I tried, I felt like I was never good enough, nor would I ever be. Recognizing how much I was messing up, and feeling like every weakness I possess was being put on display, I felt worse and worse about myself, and I felt an increasing need to punish myself in order to catch up or make up for the moments that I did things wrong or didn't work as hard as I should have. This was really self-destructive, but I didn't know what to do about it.

I felt like I had been given a task that was too big for me to handle. With all of the sadness, doubt, and discouragement I felt, I often thought that if I just had more faith, if I was just more diligent, I would not be struggling so much. So I was struggling, and then beating myself up for struggling, which just made my struggles worse. I had not really told my mission president about all of these feelings, but in an interview I had with him, he told me exactly what I needed. Definitely inspired, he told me that it was not because I was doing something wrong that I was feeling as I was. He told me it was just imbalances in my body that were causing it. This was a huge answer to prayers, and a huge turning point. It took a lot of repeating this to myself for me to really believe it, but when I accepted that it was not my fault, I felt doors of hope open.

Yet even when I had only three or four months left before I would come home, I would wake up each morning wondering if I could possibly make it that much longer. I had a lot of rough days, but my sweet companions loved me anyway and helped me to endure to the end. In my last interview with my mission president, he encouraged me to go to as many doctors as it took when I got home so that I could get this figured out.

After arriving home, with the stress of missionary work being removed, I was doing better and decided maybe I didn't need to see a doctor after all. But several weeks later, I broke down and knew that I needed to follow the counsel of my mission president. Going to the doctor was a nerve-wracking experience. I was so afraid that I was going to tell him what was wrong, and he was going to respond by saying, “What do you think I can do about that? Go talk to a counselor!” I loved the counselor I talked to on my mission, but I didn't want to have to do counseling again. I was praying that the doctor could just give me a little pill and it would make everything better. Fortunately my worst case scenarios never come true, and the doctor was so kind. As soon as I started explaining how I was feeling, he knew exactly what the problem was and he prescribed me some medication for my Generalized Anxiety Disorder.

That next month was the best! The medication worked so well, and for the first time in 21 years, I knew what everyone else who does not suffer from anxiety feels like. It was such a liberating feeling. I did not care if I had to take medicine for the rest of my life, I was finally free! But unfortunately, the next three months were terrible. I was so exhausted all the time, my appetite significantly decreased, I unintentionally lost 8 pounds, and I started experiencing lasting depression. The doctor changed my medication and I had a couple rough weeks as my body adjusted. I am still experiencing a lot of fatigue, appetite problems, and depression, but I go back to the doctor next week. Only Heavenly Father knows the next chapter in my story.

UPDATE: When I went back to the doctor's, I found out that I had lost another 3-4 lbs over the last month. The doctor told me to force myself to eat, and increased the dosage of my medication. I moved back to school and had a sweet friend who convinced me to see another doctor for a second opinion. This doctor lowered my prescription back down and added a sedative medication. It is still a struggle and my medication sometimes makes me more tired or out of it than I would like to be, but I have started to have more good days. It was as if a fog was lifted, that I could finally see clearly through the anxiety to a more hopeful future. I laugh a lot more with my roommates and am starting to enjoy life again. I am starting to get my capacity to feel back. I also started seeing a counselor, which is slowly but surely helping. He helped me see that in conjunction to the depression and anxiety, I have something called Obsessive Compulsive Personality Disorder. This is not the same as the excessive hand-washing and clean freak OCD that we normally think of. OCPD has to do with tendencies toward perfectionism, orderliness, and desire for control. This realization has helped me to step back from my actions and define myself by them less.

Chronic Fatigue Syndrome (CFS)

**Although the rest of this blog is devoted to mental illness, it is important to note that CFS is more than just mental illness.**

CFS is still not very well understood, but is characterized by extreme fatigue that does not get better with rest, and is not the result of some other medical condition. Although a variety of symptoms are possible, the “official” symptoms are:

·         Fatigue

·         Loss of memory or concentration

·         Sore throat

·         Enlarged lymph nodes in your neck or armpits

·         Unexplained muscle pain

·         Pain that moves from one joint to another without swelling or redness

·         Headache of a new type, pattern or severity

·         Unrefreshing sleep

·         Extreme exhaustion lasting more than 24 hours after physical or mental exercise

Diagnosis of CFS can be a long process because the fatigue has to persist for at least six months, and all other possible health causes that cause fatigue have to be ruled out. There is no cure for CFS, only symptom relief. Medication, sleeping pills, counseling, or graded exercise therapy (small amount of exercise, followed by a resting period, that is increased as ability increases) may be used.

(http://www.mayoclinic.org/diseases-conditions/chronic-fatigue-syndrome/basics/definition/con-20022009) 

Depression

Major depression (also called major depressive disorder or clinical depression) is a “mood disorder that causes a persistent feeling of sadness and loss of interest.” It is more than just a couple of bad days, or something that the sufferer can just snap out of. Most importantly, it is NOT a weakness. According to the Mayo Clinic, symptoms may include:

·         Feelings of sadness, emptiness or unhappiness

·         Angry outbursts, irritability or frustration, even over small matters

·         Loss of interest or pleasure in normal activities

·         Sleep disturbances, including insomnia or sleeping too much

·         Tiredness and lack of energy, so that even small tasks take extra effort

·         Changes in appetite — often reduced appetite and weight loss, but increased cravings for food and weight gain in some people

·         Anxiety, agitation or restlessness — for example, excessive worrying, pacing, hand-wringing or an inability to sit still

·         Slowed thinking, speaking or body movements

·         Feelings of worthlessness or guilt, fixating on past failures or blaming yourself for things that are not your responsibility

·         Trouble thinking, concentrating, making decisions and remembering things

·         Frequent thoughts of death, suicidal thoughts, suicide attempts or suicide

·         Unexplained physical problems, such as back pain or headaches

Women, as well as those with the following characteristics, are at a higher risk to develop depression:

·         Depression that started when you were a teen or child

·         History of anxiety disorder, borderline personality disorder or post-traumatic stress disorder

·         Abuse of alcohol or illegal drugs

·         Certain personality traits, such as having low self-esteem and being overly dependent, self-critical or pessimistic

·         Serious or chronic illness, such as cancer, diabetes or heart disease

·         Certain medications, such as some high blood pressure medications or sleeping pills (talk to your doctor before stopping any medication)

·         Traumatic or stressful events, such as abuse, the loss of a loved one, a difficult relationship or financial problems

·         Blood relatives with a history of depression, bipolar disorder, alcoholism or suicide

Depression can be treated with medication and psychological counseling. Because each person responds to medication differently, several different ones may need to be tried before one is found that works well. It is important to talk to a doctor before taking any supplements as an alternative means of treatment because they can often interact negatively with other medications and may potentially harm the body. Hospitalization or residential treatment programs may be necessary if depression is severe. While certain adjustments may help to ease depression (such as exercising), depression is serious and it is very important to see a doctor and get the appropriate help needed.

(http://www.mayoclinic.org/diseases-conditions/depression/basics/definition/con-20032977) 

Generalized Anxiety Disorder (GAD)

GAD is excessive anxiety that interferes with day to day life. Women, those with timid or negative personalities, and those with a genetic predisposition are more likely to develop GAD. These are the possible symptoms, taken from the Mayo Clinic website:

Generalized anxiety disorder symptoms can vary. They may include:

·         Persistent worrying or obsession about small or large concerns that's out of proportion to the impact of the event

·         Inability to set aside or let go of a worry

·         Inability to relax, restlessness, and feeling keyed up or on edge

·         Difficulty concentrating, or the feeling that your mind "goes blank"

·         Worrying about excessively worrying

·         Distress about making decisions for fear of making the wrong decision

·         Carrying every option in a situation all the way out to its possible negative conclusion

·         Difficulty handling uncertainty or indecisiveness

Physical signs and symptoms may include:

·         Fatigue

·         Irritability

·         Muscle tension or muscle aches

·         Trembling, feeling twitchy

·         Being easily startled

·         Trouble sleeping

·         Sweating

·         Nausea, diarrhea or irritable bowel syndrome

·         Headaches

In addition to the symptoms above, children and teenagers who have generalized anxiety disorder may have excessive worries about:

·         Performance at school or sporting events

·         Being on time (punctuality)

·         Earthquakes, nuclear war or other catastrophic events

A child or teen with generalized anxiety disorder may also:

·         Feel overly anxious to fit in

·         Be a perfectionist

·         Redo tasks because they aren't perfect the first time

·         Spend excessive time doing homework

·         Lack confidence

·         Strive for approval

·         Require a lot of reassurance about performance

GAD can be treated with medication or psychotherapy (talk therapy). Staying physically active, eating healthy, getting adequate sleep, using relaxation techniques, quitting smoking, and avoiding coffee and alcohol can also be helpful. It is important to talk to a doctor before taking herbal remedies or supplements because they can possibly be harmful to the body.

(http://www.mayoclinic.org/diseases-conditions/generalized-anxiety-disorder/basics/definition/con-20024562)

"Good Things to Come"

This video was created from an October 1999 General Conference talk by Elder Jeffrey R. Holland, entitled "An High Priest of Good Things to Come." It is so good!

About This Blog

The last two years have been a discovery process for me. I was serving as an LDS missionary when my mission president helped me to realize that I struggle with mental illness. After returning home, I started school again. In my Home and Family Management class, I was assigned to do a research paper and presentation on the topic of fatigue. My research led me to study Chronic Fatigue Syndrome, a serious physical and psychological illness that is still not very well understood. As part of this assignment, we were asked to do a "Practitioner Project" where we somehow put into practice what we learned and hopefully help others in the process. Throughout my struggle with mental illness, I have felt a strong desire to help increase awareness and get rid of the stigmas attached to it. Thus, I created this blog. I hope to share my story, explain a few mental illnesses, and include insights from modern prophets and apostles. If you feel comfortable sharing your experience with mental illness, please send me a message in the comments box and I will post it on the blog too. The idea is to get the word out so feel free to share this blog with those who you think could benefit from it. Thanks!