You mean not everyone else thinks like this?

The timer has always been my friend. Growing up (and still sometimes today), I would often do one thing (for example, homework) until the timer went off. Then I would switch to another activity or take a break. Then it was back to the first activity. I could do this for several hours. My family lovingly teased me about this highly disciplined, "unique" way of doing things but I had no idea that this was not normal. Actually, I'm coming to realize that a lot about the way I think is not how everyone else thinks.

I have been blessed with a "highly sensitive nervous system." Because of this, I am very attentive to details (especially imperfect details) and I hold myself to a very high standard of excellence. My elevated level of intelligence and diligence, both results of my "highly sensitive nervous system," lead me to achieve excellence. In addition, I also have a big heart and feel things deeply. This allows me to be very empathetic with others.

This sounds pretty good, right? These components are the blessings of OCPD, or obsessive compulsive personality disorder. However, sometimes I don't feel so blessed and grateful for these characteristics that make me unique. A wonderful site called "The Gift of OCPD" explains that "[a]lthough it may be normal, even human, to have a negative thought in difficult times, highly sensitive people who feel their emotions intensely are often driven by their emotions to replay their thoughts in their head in frequencies that cause problems in the long run. This replaying of thoughts is what the clinical world of psychology calls 'obsessions.' After some time has passed, during which repeated thoughts and responses have strengthened neural connections within the brain, the highly sensitive person then becomes addicted to his or her many ways of thinking and coping."

"The Gift of OCPD" summarized the symptoms of OCPD. They are pretty accurate of how I think and feel a majority of the time. They are as follows:

1. Thinkaholism
   • UNDERLYING NEGATIVE BELIEF: “I need to figure out how to be ok or else I will not be ok.”
2. Workaholism
   • UNDERLYING NEGATIVE BELIEF: “I am not good enough as a person.” “I need to create my value.” “My value comes from what I do.” “I am on my own in the pursuit of feeling good about who I am as a person.” “My future will not be ok unless I work as hard as I can now.” “Things will not be ok unless I use my time perfectly.”
3. Perfectionism, Anger, Guilt
   • UNDERLYING NEGATIVE BELIEF: “My high standards must be met or else things will not be ok.” “I will be rejected by others if I am not perfect.”
4. Regret, Restlessness, Indecisiveness
   • UNDERLYING NEGATIVE BELIEF: “I am worse off because of the things that I have and have not chosen to do.” “Unless I make up for my lost time and choose perfectly, I will always remain in regret.”
5. Resentment, Unforgiveness
   • UNDERLYING NEGATIVE BELIEF: “I am worse off because of the way he/she/they treated me.” “He/she/they do not care.” “I expect him/her/them to fail and disappoint me.”
6. Isolation, Inability to Delegate
   • UNDERLYING NEGATIVE BELIEF: “It is better to be safe by myself than to get hurt and rejected by others.” “Doing things on my own is the only way to get things done right.”
7. Miserliness, Hoarding
   • UNDERLYING NEGATIVE BELIEF: “I will not have enough for myself in the future unless I save now.” “Others will just take advantage of my generosity.”
8. Purposelessness, Idleness (for the more severe case of OCPD)
   • UNDERLYING NEGATIVE BELIEF: “There is no purpose/point in life.” “We are merely like the animals on the earth with no greater purpose than to go along with this perpetual pointless cycle we call life.” “There is nothing more.”
9. Hopelessness (for the more severe case of OCPD)
• UNDERLYING NEGATIVE BELIEF: “There is nothing that I can do.” “I am powerless.” “I cannot bring any sort of positive change to my condition/the world.”

By this point, some of you are probably thinking "Ohhh, Jennifer's quirks and weird obsession with strictness and perfection make so much sense now!" My purpose in sharing this is not to give excuses for the weird things I do, but instead to just help you understand what is silently going on inside that makes me who I am.

Life can be very hard for someone like me, but there are blessings that come. I don't know that I can exactly say I'm thankful I was given OCPD, but I am grateful for all I've learned from it and achieved because of it.

(The inspiration for this post and the quotes contained therein come from http://giftofocpd.com/what-is-ocpd/. This is a great article to read if you want to understand OCPD, or people struggling with it, better.)

What to Remember When Loving Someone with Anxiety

It gets super frustrating to struggle with anxiety, especially because other people do not understand what you're going through. I read a great article this week that describes the experience of anxiety better than pretty much anything else I've read. These were the main points to keep in mind when you love someone with anxiety:

1. They are more than just their anxiety.

2. They can get tired easily.

3. They can get overwhelmed easily.

4. They are well aware that their anxiety is often irrational.

5. They can communicate how they feel (you just have to actually listen).

6. They appreciate you sticking by them.

7. They can find it hard to let it go.

8. They can find change difficult (even if it's expected).

9. They aren't (always) intentionally ignoring you.

10. They aren't always present.

11. They don't always see it as a limitation (nor should you).

12. They are awesome!

Here's the link to the complete article: http://webhealthpaper.com/13-things-to-remember-if-you-love-a-person-with-anxiety-2/ 

I'm Glad They Called Me On A Mission

     As I read through what I had written about my mental illness story, I realized that what I said about my mission may have come across in a negative way. I want to be very clear that serving a mission was one of the best decisions I have made. I did mention that I did not think I would have served a mission had I known how hard it was going to be, but oh am I so glad that I was blinded from this information before serving. I would not trade my experience as a missionary for anything. I changed and grew in so many positive ways thanks to my mission. I became bilingual! I was able to be an instrument in God's hands to touch lives! I met people that have touched my heart and changed my life forever! I got to live in France for almost 18 months! I made friends from all over the world! I learned that I can do really hard things!
    I did not really realize it at the time, but I struggled with anxiety and depression to some extent before my mission. The intense stress of the mission triggered these things to become worse. I am so grateful that this happened when it did. Had I not served a mission, my anxiety and depression would surely have been triggered by the stress of marriage and raising kids. I am so grateful that these were triggered when they were so I can learn how to manage and cope with them as a single person, before I have a husband and kids to care for. I am thankful that God is control of the timing of events in our lives. God is good!

Obsessive Compulsive Personality Disorder

• Preoccupation with details, orderliness and rules
• Extreme perfectionism, resulting in dysfunction and distress when perfection is not achieved, such as feeling unable to finish a project because you don't meet your own strict standards
• Desire to be in control of people, tasks and situations and inability to delegate tasks
• Neglect of friends and enjoyable activities because of excessive commitment to work or a project
• Inability to discard broken or worthless objects
• Rigid and stubborn
• Inflexible about morality, ethics or values
• Tight, miserly control over budgeting and spending money

(http://www.mayoclinic.org/diseases-conditions/personality-disorders/basics/symptoms/con-20030111)

Mental Illness is Beautiful

One year ago I was just starting to realize the good that comes from mental illness. Every day is an uphill battle, but I have seen so many blessings. I have been able to connect with others on a much deeper level because of my experiences with anxiety and depression. In my calling, I am often blessed with the opportunity to listen to girls tell me about their struggles. I have a dear, sweet friend who has anxiety, depression, thyroid problems, iron imbalances, and keratoconus (basically she is losing her sight and needs to have surgery, which she is terrified about). I have another friend who has hashimoto's (thyroid problems), which leads to intense anxiety and stomach pains. Another struggles to feel good enough in the face of seemingly perfect roommates due to her broken family. I am grateful that when they tell me that they struggle with depression or anxiety I can tell them that I understand, and really mean that I know what they are going through because I have been there. Each time I am able to use my experiences to strengthen others is a tender mercy from Heavenly Father. These are moments when I am able to feel like I am being an instrument in God's hands.

Gratitude

This week we had a wonderful devotional (click here to listen to the devotional) by a woman named Marilyn Nelson. She talked about her experience growing up with her mother who suffered from severe obsessive-compulsive disorder. This was in the days before OCD was understood, and especially before treatments were available. Sister Nelson has gone through an incredible healing process, thanks to the Atonement, to be able to recover from her childhood. As I listened to the closing prayer of the devotional, I was filled with gratitude to live at a time when mental illness is better understood, and there are medications and treatments available. It is not so fun to suffer anxiety and depression, but at least there is help available! I am so grateful that Heavenly Father has inspired doctors and scientists so they better understand mental illness and how to treat it! A girl I talked to yesterday described it well when she said that "every day is uphill" but life is more peaceful and joyful than it would be otherwise.

Other Mormons with Mental Illness

Jennie

Krista

Davin

"Solving Emotional Problems in the Lord's Own Way"

This is from an April 1978 General Conference talk from President Boyd K. Packer:

"It was meant to be that life would be a challenge. To suffer some anxiety, some depression, some disappointment, even some failure is normal.

Teach our members that if they have a good, miserable day once in a while, or several in a row, to stand steady and face them. Things will straighten out.

There is great purpose in our struggle in life.”

"Like a Broken Vessel"

This is a talk that was given by Elder Jeffrey R. Holland during the October 2013 General Conference. It was given while I was in the mission field, and I was very touched by it. Here are a few of my favorite parts, as well as a short video clip of Elder Holland's suggestions of what to do when faced with mental illness in order to cope.

• "However bewildering this all may be, these afflictions are some of the realities of mortal life, and there should be no more shame in acknowledging them than in acknowledging a battle with high blood pressure or the sudden appearance of a malignant tumor."
• Abraham Lincoln, Winston Churchill, and even Elder George Albert Smith, who would later become the prophet and president of The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints, among others struggled with depression.
• "If you are the one afflicted or a caregiver to such, try not to be overwhelmed with the size of your task. Don’t assume you can fix everything, but fix what you can. If those are only small victories, be grateful for them and be patient. Dozens of times in the scriptures, the Lord commands someone to “stand still” or “be still”—and wait. Patiently enduring some things is part of our mortal education."
• "Also let us remember that through any illness or difficult challenge, there is still much in life to be hopeful about and grateful for. We are infinitely more than our limitations or our afflictions!"
• "Trust in God. Hold on in His love. Know that one day the dawn will break brightly and all shadows of mortality will flee. Though we may feel we are “like a broken vessel,” as the Psalmist says, we must remember, that vessel is in the hands of the divine potter. Broken minds can be healed just the way broken bones and broken hearts are healed. While God is at work making those repairs, the rest of us can help by being merciful, nonjudgmental, and kind."
• Some day we will be resurrected and freed!

My Story *UPDATED

Growing up, I was always a stressed, perfectionist student. I wanted to do everything right and I didn't want anyone to disapprove of me. I graduated from high school as valedictorian and continued to get straight A’s in college. I couldn't imagine getting less than an A. My self-worth was measured by how well I accomplished the responsibilities and assignments I was given. I was always trying to use my time effectively to get more done. If I didn't get finish enough items on my to do list each day, I felt terrible about myself. I didn't like how this made me feel, but I figured it was just part of my perfectionist personality.

With the prompting of Heavenly Father, I decided to serve as a full-time missionary. I knew it was going to be hard, but I had no idea what was in store. I don’t know if I would have served if I really knew what was coming my way. Yes there is the physical strain that comes from a demanding missionary schedule, but there is also an emotional strain that can only be understood by going through the experience of being a missionary. Not only was I thousands of miles away from my family, learning to live with people I had never met before, trying to understand and speak a foreign language, and being rejected on a daily basis, I was also “working” for the Lord in a more real way than ever before. Having a perfect “Boss” and trying so hard to please Him made feeling inadequate very easy. Day after day, no matter how hard I tried, I felt like I was never good enough, nor would I ever be. Recognizing how much I was messing up, and feeling like every weakness I possess was being put on display, I felt worse and worse about myself, and I felt an increasing need to punish myself in order to catch up or make up for the moments that I did things wrong or didn't work as hard as I should have. This was really self-destructive, but I didn't know what to do about it.

I felt like I had been given a task that was too big for me to handle. With all of the sadness, doubt, and discouragement I felt, I often thought that if I just had more faith, if I was just more diligent, I would not be struggling so much. So I was struggling, and then beating myself up for struggling, which just made my struggles worse. I had not really told my mission president about all of these feelings, but in an interview I had with him, he told me exactly what I needed. Definitely inspired, he told me that it was not because I was doing something wrong that I was feeling as I was. He told me it was just imbalances in my body that were causing it. This was a huge answer to prayers, and a huge turning point. It took a lot of repeating this to myself for me to really believe it, but when I accepted that it was not my fault, I felt doors of hope open.

Yet even when I had only three or four months left before I would come home, I would wake up each morning wondering if I could possibly make it that much longer. I had a lot of rough days, but my sweet companions loved me anyway and helped me to endure to the end. In my last interview with my mission president, he encouraged me to go to as many doctors as it took when I got home so that I could get this figured out.

After arriving home, with the stress of missionary work being removed, I was doing better and decided maybe I didn't need to see a doctor after all. But several weeks later, I broke down and knew that I needed to follow the counsel of my mission president. Going to the doctor was a nerve-wracking experience. I was so afraid that I was going to tell him what was wrong, and he was going to respond by saying, “What do you think I can do about that? Go talk to a counselor!” I loved the counselor I talked to on my mission, but I didn't want to have to do counseling again. I was praying that the doctor could just give me a little pill and it would make everything better. Fortunately my worst case scenarios never come true, and the doctor was so kind. As soon as I started explaining how I was feeling, he knew exactly what the problem was and he prescribed me some medication for my Generalized Anxiety Disorder.

That next month was the best! The medication worked so well, and for the first time in 21 years, I knew what everyone else who does not suffer from anxiety feels like. It was such a liberating feeling. I did not care if I had to take medicine for the rest of my life, I was finally free! But unfortunately, the next three months were terrible. I was so exhausted all the time, my appetite significantly decreased, I unintentionally lost 8 pounds, and I started experiencing lasting depression. The doctor changed my medication and I had a couple rough weeks as my body adjusted. I am still experiencing a lot of fatigue, appetite problems, and depression, but I go back to the doctor next week. Only Heavenly Father knows the next chapter in my story.

UPDATE: When I went back to the doctor's, I found out that I had lost another 3-4 lbs over the last month. The doctor told me to force myself to eat, and increased the dosage of my medication. I moved back to school and had a sweet friend who convinced me to see another doctor for a second opinion. This doctor lowered my prescription back down and added a sedative medication. It is still a struggle and my medication sometimes makes me more tired or out of it than I would like to be, but I have started to have more good days. It was as if a fog was lifted, that I could finally see clearly through the anxiety to a more hopeful future. I laugh a lot more with my roommates and am starting to enjoy life again. I am starting to get my capacity to feel back. I also started seeing a counselor, which is slowly but surely helping. He helped me see that in conjunction to the depression and anxiety, I have something called Obsessive Compulsive Personality Disorder. This is not the same as the excessive hand-washing and clean freak OCD that we normally think of. OCPD has to do with tendencies toward perfectionism, orderliness, and desire for control. This realization has helped me to step back from my actions and define myself by them less.

Chronic Fatigue Syndrome (CFS)

**Although the rest of this blog is devoted to mental illness, it is important to note that CFS is more than just mental illness.**

CFS is still not very well understood, but is characterized by extreme fatigue that does not get better with rest, and is not the result of some other medical condition. Although a variety of symptoms are possible, the “official” symptoms are:

·         Fatigue

·         Loss of memory or concentration

·         Sore throat

·         Enlarged lymph nodes in your neck or armpits

·         Unexplained muscle pain

·         Pain that moves from one joint to another without swelling or redness

·         Headache of a new type, pattern or severity

·         Unrefreshing sleep

·         Extreme exhaustion lasting more than 24 hours after physical or mental exercise

Diagnosis of CFS can be a long process because the fatigue has to persist for at least six months, and all other possible health causes that cause fatigue have to be ruled out. There is no cure for CFS, only symptom relief. Medication, sleeping pills, counseling, or graded exercise therapy (small amount of exercise, followed by a resting period, that is increased as ability increases) may be used.

(http://www.mayoclinic.org/diseases-conditions/chronic-fatigue-syndrome/basics/definition/con-20022009) 

Depression

Major depression (also called major depressive disorder or clinical depression) is a “mood disorder that causes a persistent feeling of sadness and loss of interest.” It is more than just a couple of bad days, or something that the sufferer can just snap out of. Most importantly, it is NOT a weakness. According to the Mayo Clinic, symptoms may include:

·         Feelings of sadness, emptiness or unhappiness

·         Angry outbursts, irritability or frustration, even over small matters

·         Loss of interest or pleasure in normal activities

·         Sleep disturbances, including insomnia or sleeping too much

·         Tiredness and lack of energy, so that even small tasks take extra effort

·         Changes in appetite — often reduced appetite and weight loss, but increased cravings for food and weight gain in some people

·         Anxiety, agitation or restlessness — for example, excessive worrying, pacing, hand-wringing or an inability to sit still

·         Slowed thinking, speaking or body movements

·         Feelings of worthlessness or guilt, fixating on past failures or blaming yourself for things that are not your responsibility

·         Trouble thinking, concentrating, making decisions and remembering things

·         Frequent thoughts of death, suicidal thoughts, suicide attempts or suicide

·         Unexplained physical problems, such as back pain or headaches

Women, as well as those with the following characteristics, are at a higher risk to develop depression:

·         Depression that started when you were a teen or child

·         History of anxiety disorder, borderline personality disorder or post-traumatic stress disorder

·         Abuse of alcohol or illegal drugs

·         Certain personality traits, such as having low self-esteem and being overly dependent, self-critical or pessimistic

·         Serious or chronic illness, such as cancer, diabetes or heart disease

·         Certain medications, such as some high blood pressure medications or sleeping pills (talk to your doctor before stopping any medication)

·         Traumatic or stressful events, such as abuse, the loss of a loved one, a difficult relationship or financial problems

·         Blood relatives with a history of depression, bipolar disorder, alcoholism or suicide

Depression can be treated with medication and psychological counseling. Because each person responds to medication differently, several different ones may need to be tried before one is found that works well. It is important to talk to a doctor before taking any supplements as an alternative means of treatment because they can often interact negatively with other medications and may potentially harm the body. Hospitalization or residential treatment programs may be necessary if depression is severe. While certain adjustments may help to ease depression (such as exercising), depression is serious and it is very important to see a doctor and get the appropriate help needed.

(http://www.mayoclinic.org/diseases-conditions/depression/basics/definition/con-20032977) 

Generalized Anxiety Disorder (GAD)

GAD is excessive anxiety that interferes with day to day life. Women, those with timid or negative personalities, and those with a genetic predisposition are more likely to develop GAD. These are the possible symptoms, taken from the Mayo Clinic website:

Generalized anxiety disorder symptoms can vary. They may include:

·         Persistent worrying or obsession about small or large concerns that's out of proportion to the impact of the event

·         Inability to set aside or let go of a worry

·         Inability to relax, restlessness, and feeling keyed up or on edge

·         Difficulty concentrating, or the feeling that your mind "goes blank"

·         Worrying about excessively worrying

·         Distress about making decisions for fear of making the wrong decision

·         Carrying every option in a situation all the way out to its possible negative conclusion

·         Difficulty handling uncertainty or indecisiveness

Physical signs and symptoms may include:

·         Fatigue

·         Irritability

·         Muscle tension or muscle aches

·         Trembling, feeling twitchy

·         Being easily startled

·         Trouble sleeping

·         Sweating

·         Nausea, diarrhea or irritable bowel syndrome

·         Headaches

In addition to the symptoms above, children and teenagers who have generalized anxiety disorder may have excessive worries about:

·         Performance at school or sporting events

·         Being on time (punctuality)

·         Earthquakes, nuclear war or other catastrophic events

A child or teen with generalized anxiety disorder may also:

·         Feel overly anxious to fit in

·         Be a perfectionist

·         Redo tasks because they aren't perfect the first time

·         Spend excessive time doing homework

·         Lack confidence

·         Strive for approval

·         Require a lot of reassurance about performance

GAD can be treated with medication or psychotherapy (talk therapy). Staying physically active, eating healthy, getting adequate sleep, using relaxation techniques, quitting smoking, and avoiding coffee and alcohol can also be helpful. It is important to talk to a doctor before taking herbal remedies or supplements because they can possibly be harmful to the body.

(http://www.mayoclinic.org/diseases-conditions/generalized-anxiety-disorder/basics/definition/con-20024562)

"Good Things to Come"

This video was created from an October 1999 General Conference talk by Elder Jeffrey R. Holland, entitled "An High Priest of Good Things to Come." It is so good!

About This Blog

The last two years have been a discovery process for me. I was serving as an LDS missionary when my mission president helped me to realize that I struggle with mental illness. After returning home, I started school again. In my Home and Family Management class, I was assigned to do a research paper and presentation on the topic of fatigue. My research led me to study Chronic Fatigue Syndrome, a serious physical and psychological illness that is still not very well understood. As part of this assignment, we were asked to do a "Practitioner Project" where we somehow put into practice what we learned and hopefully help others in the process. Throughout my struggle with mental illness, I have felt a strong desire to help increase awareness and get rid of the stigmas attached to it. Thus, I created this blog. I hope to share my story, explain a few mental illnesses, and include insights from modern prophets and apostles. If you feel comfortable sharing your experience with mental illness, please send me a message in the comments box and I will post it on the blog too. The idea is to get the word out so feel free to share this blog with those who you think could benefit from it. Thanks!