You mean not everyone else thinks like this?

The timer has always been my friend. Growing up (and still sometimes today), I would often do one thing (for example, homework) until the timer went off. Then I would switch to another activity or take a break. Then it was back to the first activity. I could do this for several hours. My family lovingly teased me about this highly disciplined, "unique" way of doing things but I had no idea that this was not normal. Actually, I'm coming to realize that a lot about the way I think is not how everyone else thinks.

I have been blessed with a "highly sensitive nervous system." Because of this, I am very attentive to details (especially imperfect details) and I hold myself to a very high standard of excellence. My elevated level of intelligence and diligence, both results of my "highly sensitive nervous system," lead me to achieve excellence. In addition, I also have a big heart and feel things deeply. This allows me to be very empathetic with others.

This sounds pretty good, right? These components are the blessings of OCPD, or obsessive compulsive personality disorder. However, sometimes I don't feel so blessed and grateful for these characteristics that make me unique. A wonderful site called "The Gift of OCPD" explains that "[a]lthough it may be normal, even human, to have a negative thought in difficult times, highly sensitive people who feel their emotions intensely are often driven by their emotions to replay their thoughts in their head in frequencies that cause problems in the long run. This replaying of thoughts is what the clinical world of psychology calls 'obsessions.' After some time has passed, during which repeated thoughts and responses have strengthened neural connections within the brain, the highly sensitive person then becomes addicted to his or her many ways of thinking and coping."

"The Gift of OCPD" summarized the symptoms of OCPD. They are pretty accurate of how I think and feel a majority of the time. They are as follows:

1. Thinkaholism
   • UNDERLYING NEGATIVE BELIEF: “I need to figure out how to be ok or else I will not be ok.”
2. Workaholism
   • UNDERLYING NEGATIVE BELIEF: “I am not good enough as a person.” “I need to create my value.” “My value comes from what I do.” “I am on my own in the pursuit of feeling good about who I am as a person.” “My future will not be ok unless I work as hard as I can now.” “Things will not be ok unless I use my time perfectly.”
3. Perfectionism, Anger, Guilt
   • UNDERLYING NEGATIVE BELIEF: “My high standards must be met or else things will not be ok.” “I will be rejected by others if I am not perfect.”
4. Regret, Restlessness, Indecisiveness
   • UNDERLYING NEGATIVE BELIEF: “I am worse off because of the things that I have and have not chosen to do.” “Unless I make up for my lost time and choose perfectly, I will always remain in regret.”
5. Resentment, Unforgiveness
   • UNDERLYING NEGATIVE BELIEF: “I am worse off because of the way he/she/they treated me.” “He/she/they do not care.” “I expect him/her/them to fail and disappoint me.”
6. Isolation, Inability to Delegate
   • UNDERLYING NEGATIVE BELIEF: “It is better to be safe by myself than to get hurt and rejected by others.” “Doing things on my own is the only way to get things done right.”
7. Miserliness, Hoarding
   • UNDERLYING NEGATIVE BELIEF: “I will not have enough for myself in the future unless I save now.” “Others will just take advantage of my generosity.”
8. Purposelessness, Idleness (for the more severe case of OCPD)
   • UNDERLYING NEGATIVE BELIEF: “There is no purpose/point in life.” “We are merely like the animals on the earth with no greater purpose than to go along with this perpetual pointless cycle we call life.” “There is nothing more.”
9. Hopelessness (for the more severe case of OCPD)
• UNDERLYING NEGATIVE BELIEF: “There is nothing that I can do.” “I am powerless.” “I cannot bring any sort of positive change to my condition/the world.”

By this point, some of you are probably thinking "Ohhh, Jennifer's quirks and weird obsession with strictness and perfection make so much sense now!" My purpose in sharing this is not to give excuses for the weird things I do, but instead to just help you understand what is silently going on inside that makes me who I am.

Life can be very hard for someone like me, but there are blessings that come. I don't know that I can exactly say I'm thankful I was given OCPD, but I am grateful for all I've learned from it and achieved because of it.

(The inspiration for this post and the quotes contained therein come from http://giftofocpd.com/what-is-ocpd/. This is a great article to read if you want to understand OCPD, or people struggling with it, better.)