But I Don't Have Time

I was always a go, go, go type of person. In my first few semesters of college, I decided that I was going to be extra disciplined and worked out a crazy schedule so I would get to campus early in the day, go to my classes and do homework, and then get back to my apartment late at night. I felt like if I could eliminate all of what I considered to be wasting time, I would be happy. After just a few of these crazy days, I realized that not only was I not happier and more satisfied with myself, but I was exhausted. Then I read a talk from President Monson that changed how I approached my days. In this talk, he counsels mothers to be at "the crossroads of their children's lives" (for example, when they come home from school). It is at these moments that children are more likely to open up about what is going on in their lives and talk about their worries. As I read this counsel, I received the impression that I needed to be at the crossroads of my roommates' lives. I now spend more of the day at my apartment. There have been countless times that I have been doing my homework at my apartment when a roommate will come home and need to talk to someone. Sometimes their day has been great and they are excited to tell someone about it. Other times, they are stressed, overwhelmed, and/or troubled and I am able to be there to listen to them and offer comfort and reassurance. There are times that I have to set my homework aside in order to be there for these roommates, but I have found that Heavenly Father always provides in helping me to finish everything on time. I have learned through countless experiences that the purpose of life is to build relationships, and that in doing so, we find the greatest joy.

You mean not everyone else thinks like this?

The timer has always been my friend. Growing up (and still sometimes today), I would often do one thing (for example, homework) until the timer went off. Then I would switch to another activity or take a break. Then it was back to the first activity. I could do this for several hours. My family lovingly teased me about this highly disciplined, "unique" way of doing things but I had no idea that this was not normal. Actually, I'm coming to realize that a lot about the way I think is not how everyone else thinks.

I have been blessed with a "highly sensitive nervous system." Because of this, I am very attentive to details (especially imperfect details) and I hold myself to a very high standard of excellence. My elevated level of intelligence and diligence, both results of my "highly sensitive nervous system," lead me to achieve excellence. In addition, I also have a big heart and feel things deeply. This allows me to be very empathetic with others.

This sounds pretty good, right? These components are the blessings of OCPD, or obsessive compulsive personality disorder. However, sometimes I don't feel so blessed and grateful for these characteristics that make me unique. A wonderful site called "The Gift of OCPD" explains that "[a]lthough it may be normal, even human, to have a negative thought in difficult times, highly sensitive people who feel their emotions intensely are often driven by their emotions to replay their thoughts in their head in frequencies that cause problems in the long run. This replaying of thoughts is what the clinical world of psychology calls 'obsessions.' After some time has passed, during which repeated thoughts and responses have strengthened neural connections within the brain, the highly sensitive person then becomes addicted to his or her many ways of thinking and coping."

"The Gift of OCPD" summarized the symptoms of OCPD. They are pretty accurate of how I think and feel a majority of the time. They are as follows:

1. Thinkaholism
   • UNDERLYING NEGATIVE BELIEF: “I need to figure out how to be ok or else I will not be ok.”
2. Workaholism
   • UNDERLYING NEGATIVE BELIEF: “I am not good enough as a person.” “I need to create my value.” “My value comes from what I do.” “I am on my own in the pursuit of feeling good about who I am as a person.” “My future will not be ok unless I work as hard as I can now.” “Things will not be ok unless I use my time perfectly.”
3. Perfectionism, Anger, Guilt
   • UNDERLYING NEGATIVE BELIEF: “My high standards must be met or else things will not be ok.” “I will be rejected by others if I am not perfect.”
4. Regret, Restlessness, Indecisiveness
   • UNDERLYING NEGATIVE BELIEF: “I am worse off because of the things that I have and have not chosen to do.” “Unless I make up for my lost time and choose perfectly, I will always remain in regret.”
5. Resentment, Unforgiveness
   • UNDERLYING NEGATIVE BELIEF: “I am worse off because of the way he/she/they treated me.” “He/she/they do not care.” “I expect him/her/them to fail and disappoint me.”
6. Isolation, Inability to Delegate
   • UNDERLYING NEGATIVE BELIEF: “It is better to be safe by myself than to get hurt and rejected by others.” “Doing things on my own is the only way to get things done right.”
7. Miserliness, Hoarding
   • UNDERLYING NEGATIVE BELIEF: “I will not have enough for myself in the future unless I save now.” “Others will just take advantage of my generosity.”
8. Purposelessness, Idleness (for the more severe case of OCPD)
   • UNDERLYING NEGATIVE BELIEF: “There is no purpose/point in life.” “We are merely like the animals on the earth with no greater purpose than to go along with this perpetual pointless cycle we call life.” “There is nothing more.”
9. Hopelessness (for the more severe case of OCPD)
• UNDERLYING NEGATIVE BELIEF: “There is nothing that I can do.” “I am powerless.” “I cannot bring any sort of positive change to my condition/the world.”

By this point, some of you are probably thinking "Ohhh, Jennifer's quirks and weird obsession with strictness and perfection make so much sense now!" My purpose in sharing this is not to give excuses for the weird things I do, but instead to just help you understand what is silently going on inside that makes me who I am.

Life can be very hard for someone like me, but there are blessings that come. I don't know that I can exactly say I'm thankful I was given OCPD, but I am grateful for all I've learned from it and achieved because of it.

(The inspiration for this post and the quotes contained therein come from http://giftofocpd.com/what-is-ocpd/. This is a great article to read if you want to understand OCPD, or people struggling with it, better.)

What to Remember When Loving Someone with Anxiety

It gets super frustrating to struggle with anxiety, especially because other people do not understand what you're going through. I read a great article this week that describes the experience of anxiety better than pretty much anything else I've read. These were the main points to keep in mind when you love someone with anxiety:

1. They are more than just their anxiety.

2. They can get tired easily.

3. They can get overwhelmed easily.

4. They are well aware that their anxiety is often irrational.

5. They can communicate how they feel (you just have to actually listen).

6. They appreciate you sticking by them.

7. They can find it hard to let it go.

8. They can find change difficult (even if it's expected).

9. They aren't (always) intentionally ignoring you.

10. They aren't always present.

11. They don't always see it as a limitation (nor should you).

12. They are awesome!

Here's the link to the complete article: http://webhealthpaper.com/13-things-to-remember-if-you-love-a-person-with-anxiety-2/ 

I'm Glad They Called Me On A Mission

     As I read through what I had written about my mental illness story, I realized that what I said about my mission may have come across in a negative way. I want to be very clear that serving a mission was one of the best decisions I have made. I did mention that I did not think I would have served a mission had I known how hard it was going to be, but oh am I so glad that I was blinded from this information before serving. I would not trade my experience as a missionary for anything. I changed and grew in so many positive ways thanks to my mission. I became bilingual! I was able to be an instrument in God's hands to touch lives! I met people that have touched my heart and changed my life forever! I got to live in France for almost 18 months! I made friends from all over the world! I learned that I can do really hard things!
    I did not really realize it at the time, but I struggled with anxiety and depression to some extent before my mission. The intense stress of the mission triggered these things to become worse. I am so grateful that this happened when it did. Had I not served a mission, my anxiety and depression would surely have been triggered by the stress of marriage and raising kids. I am so grateful that these were triggered when they were so I can learn how to manage and cope with them as a single person, before I have a husband and kids to care for. I am thankful that God is control of the timing of events in our lives. God is good!

Obsessive Compulsive Personality Disorder

• Preoccupation with details, orderliness and rules
• Extreme perfectionism, resulting in dysfunction and distress when perfection is not achieved, such as feeling unable to finish a project because you don't meet your own strict standards
• Desire to be in control of people, tasks and situations and inability to delegate tasks
• Neglect of friends and enjoyable activities because of excessive commitment to work or a project
• Inability to discard broken or worthless objects
• Rigid and stubborn
• Inflexible about morality, ethics or values
• Tight, miserly control over budgeting and spending money

(http://www.mayoclinic.org/diseases-conditions/personality-disorders/basics/symptoms/con-20030111)

Mental Illness is Beautiful

One year ago I was just starting to realize the good that comes from mental illness. Every day is an uphill battle, but I have seen so many blessings. I have been able to connect with others on a much deeper level because of my experiences with anxiety and depression. In my calling, I am often blessed with the opportunity to listen to girls tell me about their struggles. I have a dear, sweet friend who has anxiety, depression, thyroid problems, iron imbalances, and keratoconus (basically she is losing her sight and needs to have surgery, which she is terrified about). I have another friend who has hashimoto's (thyroid problems), which leads to intense anxiety and stomach pains. Another struggles to feel good enough in the face of seemingly perfect roommates due to her broken family. I am grateful that when they tell me that they struggle with depression or anxiety I can tell them that I understand, and really mean that I know what they are going through because I have been there. Each time I am able to use my experiences to strengthen others is a tender mercy from Heavenly Father. These are moments when I am able to feel like I am being an instrument in God's hands.

Gratitude

This week we had a wonderful devotional (click here to listen to the devotional) by a woman named Marilyn Nelson. She talked about her experience growing up with her mother who suffered from severe obsessive-compulsive disorder. This was in the days before OCD was understood, and especially before treatments were available. Sister Nelson has gone through an incredible healing process, thanks to the Atonement, to be able to recover from her childhood. As I listened to the closing prayer of the devotional, I was filled with gratitude to live at a time when mental illness is better understood, and there are medications and treatments available. It is not so fun to suffer anxiety and depression, but at least there is help available! I am so grateful that Heavenly Father has inspired doctors and scientists so they better understand mental illness and how to treat it! A girl I talked to yesterday described it well when she said that "every day is uphill" but life is more peaceful and joyful than it would be otherwise.